The roller coaster of life

Since we've made our blog more candid by making it private, I thought it might be a good time (and somewhat therapeutic) to write a little about some of the struggles we've been facing for a year and a half.

I'm a pretty private person, I don't open up to many people and find it difficult to express what's really in my heart. I'm also stubborn and tough, I don't like to admit to struggles. I know all of you love and support us so much, and that's why I'm opening up to tell you some things that are going on. It's been quite a lonely road, and I'm hoping maybe some of you are in the same situation or have been in the past and could offer some hope at this time when everything seems pretty obscure.

Matt and I have been trying to start our family since summer of 2009. Of course since then, it seems nearly every eligible woman in our circle of family and friends has achieved pregnancy. The issue of infertility has touched our lives is such deep ways that it's nearly impossible for me to describe. I never imagined this would happen to us. We started trying with bright eyes and bushy tails, KNOWING it would happen immediately and before Christmas, we'd be planning a nursery room and picking names. Christmas came and went. Each month flew by, each with the same roller coaster of emotion: faith and hope followed by disappointment and helplessness. Another Christmas has since passed along with plenty of expensive procedures, doctors appointments, shots, tests, tears and prayers. I've been through some rough times in my life, but I can honestly say, none of them have been this difficult and long suffering.

Just to ease possible worries, Matt and I are both healthy and otherwise in great condition to conceive. There are no troubles, major or minor, that health professionals can see as obstacles. This is merely a waiting game of patience. We have approached some family members with planned fasts and prayers, using the power of faith to bless our lives- and we have been blessed with a slight shift in perspective. It's clear the Lord has his own time frame which is simply not aligned with what we'd hoped. We know ultimately he knows best, and now pray and fast for peace and perseverance to endure the waiting period.

On an up-side, the rest of our lives are truly blessed. Matt was accepted to the school that was our first choice. My job is fantastic- I have never felt more accepted, appreciated and I truly have been given optimal opportunity to really develop my talents and strengths. I work directly with the CEO, CFO and other higher-ups whom I really admire and respect. I am learning so much and have been given priceless training in my field with a company who are true winners in their industry. I know they will look after me- they are super supportive of my little family and my personal success and are already working on possibly placing me with customers or partners in Pittsburgh or possibly an at-home job. Financially, we've seen miracles among the piling medical bills. We have such wonderful family who are close by and sensitive to our situation. We are trying to focus on these wonderful aspects of our lives and be grateful.

It is truly a roller coaster- Some days we're hopeless not knowing how much longer we can do this and it consumes our day, our week or even our month. But other days I hear stories that make me feel like our struggles are really minuscule, and I try my best to keep my head up. Sometimes I feel the loving arms of my savior, who hates to see me suffer, but knows there is a purpose.

Your love and prayers of peace for Matt and I are needed and appreciated. At this point, we're just trying to get through each disappointment with the best perspective possible that will allow us to maintain peace and gratitude in our lives.

Trying to conceive has become a swing-shift job in which we pay in time, money and tears with no return. It has effected our schedules, social life and our intimate life in ways that I never imagined. I didn't know infertility was this trying, and if you haven't experienced it, you probably don't either. We found a video that really hit home with how we're feeling (click on TEARS AND HOPE below). Our hope is that you'll understand our moods, actions, busy schedules (trying to fit in all the doctor appointments at the right times during the month), and other things that effect our interactions with each of you.

Although hope is hard to find during this time, we find strength to keep going through the love we feel from you!

TEARS AND HOPE